Dry and plain

12 Sep

Japanese-oak-trees

The day she was planted she was just a seed.

Dry, and plain.

It was only now that she realized just how much she had grown, branched out, bloomed and blossomed, bearing fruit and spreading her seeds far and wide.

Now when the sun shines through her branches, she doesn’t see gaps, she sees opportunity to fill that space with beauty, in all her strength, till one day she is full to the brim and can only burst with goodness.

All that from a seed.

Don’t underestimate the vastness of your influence on earth. EVERYTHING you do has scope for growth and all growth is good growth.

Pollinate the earth with the uniqueness of ‘ you’.

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Dear Childhood Bestie…On Your Wedding

7 Sep

nabsDear Babs,

It seems like a lifetime ago, that we were having silly squabbles and making up quick because we wanted to play with our Polly Pockets and Barbie’s together again. Yet, the memories are so vivid, they could have easily happened just a month ago.

I’m not sure when our talks went from friendship bands, bread rolls and paani puri to crushes and makeup and boarding school stories but it happened all too soon.

It seems like even though our lives branched out so differently, that we were rooted at the same base and that base will always be home.

Home, where we met our first set of friends that turned to family, home where we were free from trust issues, heart breaks and betrayals that we later saw in the world we traveled to. Home, where we discovered the little pleasure in life were stargazing, pot lucks, making paper boats and other things the money we have now can never buy us. Home, where dreaming was encouraged and passions were born. Home, where  those dreams were made achievable through our support systems. And achieve we did.

I am so proud of how far we’ve come, and how gracefully we’ve reached here.

I am even prouder that you’ve found a man to love all of you, a man who embraces the little girl we once knew, the experimental teenager you grew into and finally the strong woman he recognized and fell in love with.

I CANNOT believe I cannot be there to cry my eyes out when you get married but trust me I’m doing it now just imagining it.

“To my first friend, and my forever one,
May life keep getting better for you and Randy and may it be more than everything you ever wished for.”

Love always,

T2

Kevin Martin George Lewis …

21 Aug

164773_10150400633395641_3244284_nThe Sunday that passed, I received a message from someone who always makes me laugh. I laughed at his message as always, asked how he was and he replied saying he was good! That was all.

This morning I woke up to the news that he had gone, forever.

Why it still feels like a sick joke,  a reversible event, I’m not sure. With scores of RIP messages and pictures pouring in, it gets more real by the minute.

Kevin Martin George Lewis a.k.a (to me) PUPPY,  you gave me and countless others MANY, many laughs, good memories and reasons to humour even the painful situations.

Things I ALWAYS remember you by, things that remind me of you:

  1. “Her name was Lola”
  2. Biting
  3. That surprised expression of yours
  4. Your navy blue T shirt
  5. Your contagious laughter
  6. Doves
  7. IC colony
  8. Arm pinches
  9.  Your arm tissue incidents :/
  10.  Your ridiculous dancing

So many more! I have a bunch of embarrassing pictures of the two of us, each one with an equally funny story behind it. While I will never find your untimely death fair, I’m grateful I have these few hundred memories to keep.

Kevin was a joy spreader, to say the absolute least, never ashamed to be himself, always working hard for more and caring when you needed a friend. By the sheer magnitude of people that are grieving and in shock, I can say for sure that I wasn’t the only one whose face he put a smile on, EVERY TIME!

I wish I could hang with you, no just one more time but a lot more! Outliving good friends is not ever going to get easier and you’d have always been ” gone too soon” even if it was 20 years from now.

I’ll miss you Kevu.

 

Situations Don’t Reveal True Colours, They Create NEW Ones.

21 May

So, for the longest time I’ve been so conscious about how I behave in general, under stressful situations, towards rude people, in sensitive conversations, when I’m involved in messy situations that may not be my own.etc. I’ve tried various reactions over the years too -staying quiet, being diplomatic, giving advice where needed or even being blunt.

Turns out there will always be somebody who disagrees to your chosen reaction. People will call you out for staying silent or for being diplomatic but others may call you out for giving wrong advice or being blunt too.

Over time I developed certain understanding of this fact and even slowly began to get over the fact that if I was once liked then there’s a chance that that could change at any point.Also I began to understand that while I believe there are core characteristics to a person, I may not always be right about them. “TRUE” colours as we may think we know, don’t suddenly appear out of nowhere.

I’ve met TONS of people who after being disappointed or betrayed think back and believe that the person who hurt them revealed their true colours and hence the betrayal. I simply have decided to believe otherwise.

WHY? Because my reactions to situations have changed over time too. Where I was once readily and knowingly taken for granted, I have now learnt a little bit of assertiveness. It may have cost me the “Sweet” tag even though I see no relation to the two, but it has given me more value for time.

This doesn’t mean I won’t help as much as I can because no my willingness to do so remains the same.  It just means I can now identify where to invest the little time I have. What has got me to this point? I realised situation after situation that there’s an urgency, to spend time wisely.  And how I  react to a situation will determine how I’m spending time too if you think about it. ( there are various counter arguments here. Forgive me, I’m trying to articulate the best I can)

Think of me as a coat of fresh paint, untainted and true to its hue. Think of me 10 years later, dirty, perhaps yellowed and peeled off in certain places, needing a fresh coat. There’s two solutions – Scrape off and paint afresh, Paint over and keep texture.

Think of me as solution two. I’ve decided to keep certain learnings from along the way  and use them to react to situations better. (better for me , that is:p) Does that change what people think of me? YES.

This decision to be assertive will seldom look that way to someone who is used to me having trouble saying “no”. It will perhaps suddenly become rude, unwilling to help or  a revelation of my “true colours”. When in fact, it is a stand to say “Hey I don’t know how long I have left to live. I will genuinely be there to help if I know the need is real and cannot be fulfilled by someone else or if it is required or if my heart urges me to do it. Otherwise, I may prioritise something that is more important to me at this point because I may not have the chance to do so anytime else.”

And that is okay:) It’s okay to realise the urgency to fulfill your purpose on Earth once you have found it and it’s okay to put it first as long as you don’t use it as a reason to defy your natural tendency to be a good person.

OK rant over.

 

 

Galaxy Girl, That’s so you!

9 Apr

“Galaxy Girl, that’s so you!”, they would say as they saw some star-laden galactic piece of clothing, accessory or virtually anything with a cosmic print on it. I’d smile, get elated and probably make it mine because I alone knew what it meant to me. There were times I’d fear its fame made it unintentionally an idol I’d grown fond of but then I’d come right back to the start.

Little snippets of my childhood – night-time prayers with an earnest heart, my parents hands tapping me in a familiar rhythm, lullabies (both made up and cover versions) security in knowing I had guardian angels on earth and in heaven loving me and guarding and guiding me, dreams and childlike fantasies of a heavenly father laughing with me as I drifted off into the most peaceful slumbers of my life- that is what nights meant to me.

“Good Night God I’m going to bed, my work is over, my prayers are said, I’m not afraid of the night ‘cause you’ll be watching me till morning light. Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God loves, commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen!”

As my innocent eyes moved about in my fluttering eyelids, I would smile as I imagined the night sky with its brilliant bright lights, twinkling, home to my  magical friends, home to my maker, I would long to fly off there and meet them, meet the boy that would one day marry me.  It was a joyful, hopeful, beautiful place I’d visit ever –so-often. It was home.

As I grew older, with every year, the magic first increased then diminished greatly. I’d long to feel that Home as I knew it, but it never felt the same. It hurt, but like all things in life, I had to grow up, chin up and move on. In the chaos of moving on, however, I had to shut all doors to that fantasy. With it, my God, my Maker, too grew to be distant from my heart. It hurt to think or feel and it hurt to love like I used to with my childlike heart.

One thing remained though; I would get great joy in watching the night sky, because it held the most important thing in my life- Home. I would spend all the time I could, gazing out of moving cars, airplanes, windows and terraces, thinking of the little girl with dreams, beliefs and a connection with her God. I’d crave for the connection, yet I would push it away in my confused determination. Yet, every time I looked to the heavens, I would feel a strong pull in my chest, a warm feeling, a connection. And all the while I knew He still loved me and was still protecting me in every way.

You see how it became shameless obsession for me? I knew that every time that I stared up into the sky, I would be in awe first, I’d be filled with surprised emotion and then feel familiar warmth and excitement run through me.  I could still feel the magic of bed time, the unfurling of dreams that a young child once believed would come true, the feeling of a hand tapping me to bed, the comfort of a warm body accompanying me till I fell asleep.

Even when magic was stolen  and replaced with fear of the night, even then, just  a glimpse of the night sky would remind me how safe I am and how far I’ve come and how much He has left to give me. Every child has a particular incident, a familiar song or sound, an object or a memory that connects him to his father. This was my connection with Him. This was our secret place of meeting till we could be reunited.

In that secret place, I’ve cried about my deepest heartache’s, spoken my most treasured desires, confessed my most shameful sins, dreamed my most fantastical dreams, prayed my most unspoken prayers and admitted my greatest fears. In that secret place, I’ve never doubted who I am, what I was made to be or what my purpose was, I always knew. He knows me like no one has and like no one ever will. He knows me and delights in His child like a mother delights in her newborn baby. And I know Him.

This, is why, I am a lover of the night, a lover of the universe and its intricacies, a lover of the colors, sounds, and other phenomenon’s that occur constantly and that is why I crave to see as much as I can from where I am on Earth. This is why, I watch meteor showers every time I can, and delight in the trails of lights falling all around. This is why, a select few have had the opportunity to watch these with me, while some days I want to be by myself. This is why anything related to it excites me.

Now you know.

Life and other drugs

9 Apr
“Everyone has a vice. Even a good little church girl like you. Come on, tell me your drug?” His eyes twinkled like they always did when he wanted to squeeze a secret out of her.

She laughed.

“You’re right. I’ve never spoken about it before. But it’s killing me slowly” She chuckled, feeling like she’d let out a secret.

“I KNEW IT!. Never figured out how you could be so calm all the time! Switch to something more natural? That shit won’t kill you.”

She gave him a tight hug “You’re my favourite person to listen to! See you soon?”

She got home, avoiding looking at the table upon which a report sat.

“it isn’t good” Doctor A had warned.

She poured herself a glass of chilled water, breathed hard and reached for the file.

“Life” she said. “It is my drug of choice.”
There! She didn’t have to feel embarrassed for once about what everyone else would think was lame.

“Tumor in cervix- malignant” The report read.

It was killing her, slowly.

Let me not forget the things I do

7 Apr

Every now and then in the middle of a regular day, I get a beautiful image of a past memory consuming my brain so vividly, I must stop and live it a little once again.

Today, it was an image of an immaculate, fluffy white cloud bursting into a rainbow on a canvas of the kind of blue sky you’d only see in a dream. I was perched on a brown horse, one with a temper problem and I’d been focusing all of my thoughts on how my weight gain was bothering this creature, whether I should get off the horse and walk the remaining 15 kilometers of hills to save the horse from bearing my weight, how to calm him down by channeling my inner horse whisperer.

To think my ridiculous yet valid thoughts had nearly led me to miss this memory that would later resurface as a dream-like vision. To think that I’d be deprived of such beauty and never know it existed.

Just think of how many beautiful things we completely miss out on while worrying about things that may or may not happen. My horse made it through okay, he turned back and walked a completely different direction that my friends horses did, nearly threw me off couple of times but we made it okay. Besides that horse and me had similar people issues so I grew to find him quite endearing.

Anyway, this is an appreciation post to my crazy memory. Yeah you freak people out when you retain details of past events so vividly but you never fail to keep me grateful for everything I have seen and felt in life.

Let me never forget the warmth of sunlight pushing through foliage on a bright Melbourne morning as I walked my usual 20 minutes to Uni.

Let me never forget the sound of doggy paws on concrete as they ran to greet me when I walked through the park.

Let me never forget crying my eyes dry on a bench in the woods only to be thoroughly lit up by the sight of a freshly bloomed flower, shaking in torrential rain but still standing firmly rooted.

Let me never forget the feeling of sucking in frigid breeze on the top of a Himalayan Mountain, feeling happier than I’d ever felt.

Let me never forget the ache in my belly after laughing so hard with my best friend after a giddy headed night, one that I never ever got again.

Let me never forget feeling grown-up for the first time, lying in bed, listening to Owl city and feeling like I made all of my dreams come true.

Let me never forget the smile of a cute stranger making me feel beautiful even in pajamas!

Let me never forget the first time my hula hoop stayed on my waist and how it made me feel.

Let me never forget the feeling of my hair being played with and let me never underestimate the luxury of it.

Let me never again assume that some  things and people last a lifetime and let me never forget to appreciate the beauty of NOW.

Let me never forget being serenaded in the snow.

Let me never forget basking in a friendship that truly never judged.

Let me never forget the brilliant magic of bioluminescence and how it lit up that moment in time more than it lit up the dark waters.

Let me never, ever forget the moments that changed my life, my perception, my purpose, my definition, my behaviour and who I am as a person. And let me never be too blind to pick more of these moments out of every day life because God knows I need them!

I Want Kids for All the WRONG Reasons

14 Mar

So, two years ago I moved to another city to join a parenting website as a writer. I am not a parent, not married, not pregnant or even close! I still managed to get hired by convincing my manger that my maternal qualities began as a toddler! ( Thanks unsuspecting little classmates that let me carry them in kindergarten+ friends that send me a text on mother’s day every year!)

Anyway, at this place, I’ve written about strange things that I’ve never experienced like Using menstrual cups, to How to deal with your Mother-in-law  when in reality I’ve wanted to write about the single life and how awesome it is! But some days, I think this place and the content I write about has slowly influenced me because I feel like I cannot wait to have a child.

HOWEVER, I feel like I want one for all the wrong reasons.

  1. I want a child so I can wear matching outfits
    Matching dungarees, tutu skirts, hair bows… how can you not want to match with a tiny version of yourself?! My preference is a little girl but I can totally sport baggy jeans, white shirts, bow-tie’s and superstars if my fantasy child is a boy.
  2. I want a child so that my child can grow up with my dog
    Slight problem, I don’t have a dog. But how cute are babies and dog’s together!!
  3. I want a child so that  I can lose weight
    I have friends who lost upto 12 kilos in their breastfeeding days. Also running around toddlers, seems like a more enjoyable way to drop the chubbs than 10000000000000000 sit-ups and burpees.
  4. I want a child because cuddles!
    Babies (around 1-2 years specifically) are just the right size for bed time cuddles. Plus they smell like baby powder and have really soft heads.
  5. I want a child because the kid’s section at stores have everything I want to wear and cannot
    I know this won’t stop making me feel horrible that kids get all the cuter outfits but at least my child may end up looking like me. Hence mini-me gets to rock all them cute unicorn, mermaid outfits and black tutu skirts that my favourite brands don’t make for adults (HnM here’s looking at you!)
  6. I want a child so that I can watch my husband be cuter
    I also do not own(have, HAVE!) a husband but like my dog, he will also turn up. But focus, guys with babies….*heartmelt*
  7. I want a baby so that I can make funny meme’s when they do stupid stuff
    Seriously, I’m so tired of keeping this talent hidden from the world! Babies do such stupid stuff all the time, that’s like at least a few years worth of Instagram and facebook fame!

There, these are all the reasons. Mum’s on my list, don’t be offended. I’m obviously going to be flooded with love-hormones when I actually have a little person come out of me. Gurgles, spit bubbles, little fingers and toes… those things will do crazy things to me, I’m sure. But for now, a girl can be delusional, no?

Future babies, you will read a lot of posts about how selfless mums are and they are ( mine is!) but know that before you were formed I was this person, wanting you for the wrong reasons but thinking you are adorable nonetheless!

 

 

Hi, Today I’m going to speak to you, irrational fear.

6 Mar

I’ve been asking women I know to write letters to their body parts as part of an article I’m piecing together for Womens day. While gleefully reading the ones that came in, I noticed myself involuntarily glancing to my left and to my right every few minutes.

It was like one of those moments when you realise you have a mannerism or habit that you’ve been doing all along that other people may have noticed about you but you haven’t till one day suddenly. Like today.

So, this is how this habit of me creepily moving my eyes all around whilst working began.

Not too long ago while working, I noticed a tiny black shadow move swiftly past my desk. Next thing I know there are two tickly feelers moving squat in front of me, attached to one of my biggest fears- a cockroach! Even just typing the word makes me flinch so I’m going to address these nasties as gumdrops hereon.

So yeah, as someone who has adept knowledge of gumdrops so as to protect themselves from them would know, gumdrops breed faster than rabbits! Before I could equip myself or quit my job, I had one visiting gumdrop everyday, and if I decided to eat chocolate at my desk, three!

Today, I have decided after oh-so-many attempts to get over this fear, try writing a letter to them as a final attempt to accept that gumdrops are going to be around because some people do not wish to squish them.

“Dear Gumdrops everywhere,

I’ve tried. I’ve tried to not hate you. I’ve Googled “cute gumdrop cartoons” in an attempt to categorize you into the cutesy ladybug corner of my brain but somehow you crawl (shudder) right back in to the “phobia’s and other idiosyncrasies”  part.

It began the day I ran to that faded bottle green violin case excitedly anticipating the music I knew I could create but instead 12 giant versions of you crawled out onto my bare skin! It’s like you knew I was ticklish and hated it and ever since then I swear I think you kind has a vendetta against me.

I never touched a violin again. You see, you changed my destiny.

I used to name you and play with you as a child, and now I run 20 feet away and shudder at the mention of you.

You show up everywhere I go, and even land up in my food! That’s not okay, really.

It’s not about your colour. I mean, I have nothing against the colour brown. In fact most of my favourite things are brown. Chocolate, coffee, sand, hills, ME- all brown. Yet somehow, whatever shade of brown you turn up in, gives me the creeps. Every time I see you I can feel those legs run down my body, and that chill that went along with it.

When will I see you as a creature I can peacefully co-exist with? My eyes dart around like a crazy person every time I sit at my desk. I quickly jump or whack my legs if I feel a tickle or two from a stray hair or something.

One day I hope that your presence will not affect my mental health but for now I will let people think I have shifty eyes. I will also try not to turn in to a murderous maniac and force other people around into mercilessly killing your kind.

Sincerely,

Tianna

 

Thank you Chester

21 Jul

13 year old, choked up on tears because she saw, heard too much but couldn’t tell. (Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me…distracting)

15 year old girl reading status’s on MSN….his was “stealing second after second just ’cause I know I can” ❤

16 year old, staring at the face of innocent turned dirty, trying to save her from addiction but couldn’t (And even though you’re so close to me,You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back)

17 years old, still soft from childhood, hardening up with life, still clinging on to reality as it kept shattering everyday. (Crawling in my skin,These wounds they will not heal, Fear is how I fall, Confusing what is real)

18…an adult but not really…black nails, silver chains, heart still hoping, mind still coping. ” Liar” she said “I’m not” I cried…it didn’t really matter that I wasn’t.  (Tired of being what you want me to be,  feeling so faithless)

Still 18… standing on a ledge thinking “I’m about to break”. but I didn’t ….

19… BEST year of my life. It was my March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November…yep it was MY DECEMBER.

20 Life got surprising, no one remained what they were before. Everything turned upside down and that 13 year old I’d held on to for so long finally let go off my fingers. All I could ever say what “I don’t know who to trust….no surprise”

21!!! Heart break, pain, growing up, decisions, work, God, love, shame, adventure…everything! (I will never know myself until I do this on my own,And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed)

22….Australia…(I will never be anything ’til I break away from me,I will break away, I’ll find myself today…

23 …AND I did) bills, roadtrips, stories, rain, betrayal, writing, hope, friends….(I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard, Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars)

24…..It all came crashing down. He was crumbling…I could see it and I had to do something…so I came back…to what I ran away from. (I’ve felt this way before
So insecure)

25- 26…Looking everywhere only to find.That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

27 I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress,handful of anger, held in my chest. And BOY! did it hurt. ( I don’t want to be the one that battles always choose)

27. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for,Or why I have to scream, I don’t know why I instigate And say what I don’t mean.

28.  Healing and how ( Wash the poison from off my skin Show me how to be whole again)

29….sigh….For once I’m silenced. Nope, your songs aren’t saving me or making me feel better. Neither is the news of the pain that took you away. I want to believe I saw it coming ,that I understand, that I wish it wasn’t so but nothings fitting what’s going on in my heart.

So I’ll end with this. Thank you for the years you’ve stood by me, whether it was your lyrics or Mike’s…

Thank you for helping me put into words and melodies and screams what I was feeling so that I wouldn’t implode.

Thank you for being there, Chester…it matters….it always did…even in the end ❤

 

 

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