Thank you Chester

21 Jul

13 year old, choked up on tears because she saw, heard too much but couldn’t tell. (Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me…distracting)

15 year old girl reading status’s on MSN….his was “stealing second after second just ’cause I know I can” ❤

16 year old, staring at the face of innocent turned dirty, trying to save her from addiction but couldn’t (And even though you’re so close to me,You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back)

17 years old, still soft from childhood, hardening up with life, still clinging on to reality as it kept shattering everyday. (Crawling in my skin,These wounds they will not heal, Fear is how I fall, Confusing what is real)

18…an adult but not really…black nails, silver chains, heart still hoping, mind still coping. ” Liar” she said “I’m not” I cried…it didn’t really matter that I wasn’t.  (Tired of being what you want me to be,  feeling so faithless)

Still 18… standing on a ledge thinking “I’m about to break”. but I didn’t ….

19… BEST year of my life. It was my March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November…yep it was MY DECEMBER.

20 Life got surprising, no one remained what they were before. Everything turned upside down and that 13 year old I’d held on to for so long finally let go off my fingers. All I could ever say what “I don’t know who to trust….no surprise”

21!!! Heart break, pain, growing up, decisions, work, God, love, shame, adventure…everything! (I will never know myself until I do this on my own,And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed)

22….Australia…(I will never be anything ’til I break away from me,I will break away, I’ll find myself today…

23 …AND I did) bills, roadtrips, stories, rain, betrayal, writing, hope, friends….(I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard, Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars)

24…..It all came crashing down. He was crumbling…I could see it and I had to do something…so I came back…to what I ran away from. (I’ve felt this way before
So insecure)

25- 26…Looking everywhere only to find.That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

27 I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress,handful of anger, held in my chest. And BOY! did it hurt. ( I don’t want to be the one that battles always choose)

27. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for,Or why I have to scream, I don’t know why I instigate And say what I don’t mean.

28.  Healing and how ( Wash the poison from off my skin Show me how to be whole again)

29….sigh….For once I’m silenced. Nope, your songs aren’t saving me or making me feel better. Neither is the news of the pain that took you away. I want to believe I saw it coming ,that I understand, that I wish it wasn’t so but nothings fitting what’s going on in my heart.

So I’ll end with this. Thank you for the years you’ve stood by me, whether it was your lyrics or Mike’s…

Thank you for helping me put into words and melodies and screams what I was feeling so that I wouldn’t implode.

Thank you for being there, Chester…it matters….it always did…even in the end ❤

 

 

29 candles

13 Jul

You are that eyelash still fluttering across town, perhaps you’ve settled but landed on someone else’s delicate hand.

You are that penny I tossed in a wishing well, only that well has dried up and you’ve sunk to the bottom.

You are the bit of the dandelion that I left behind in another land, with a hope that you’d follow but you didn’t

You are the message I sealed in a bottle and flung across the seas, hoping you’d wash on to a shore that felt like home.

You are all 400 of the shooting stars I’ve wished upon, eyed tight shut, sometimes glued together with tears, sometimes in a hypnotic gaze upward.

But the nights passed and a few hundred more and it seems like the stars all fell into another galaxy,

leaving only their dusty trails for me to cherish.

I’m still here, eyes shut, blowing the last one of my 29 candles, knowing that this time you’ll stick.

 

No, it isn’t my 29th birthday and nor do I believe in wishes but that doesn’t stop me from romanticizing them. There’s something to innocent and magical about hope in the unknown, magic that I’d rather hold on to instead of letting myself wear out and wither down in disbelief.

She Laughed With The Stars Below Her Feet

7 Feb

That one time in Havelock Island where I allowed a rescue diver, my best friend, a pleasant stranger and that last drop of vodka on the island to lead me into deep, dark waters

After 3 whole days of burning laying on a gorgeous beach, with only corals, fallen leaves , blue water and a whole lot of wonder for company, you’d think I was either a deep soul contemplating all the darkness that was or a hazy figment of somebody’s intoxicated imagination. In truth, I was just there- healing.

At some moments I couldn’t believe what I was staring into or the craziness of the year that had gone by and at others that turquoise of the ocean hit me so hard I couldn’t help seeing how real and flawed I was. It was so much in so little time that even when I  tried to write or cry or sing, the words never did justice. So I let it be.

I pushed away any criticism of how I expected to be writing non-stop, venting non-stop and healing on purpose. I just stayed, sat, smiled and hooped with uninhibited enthusiasm and it was perfect! I surprised myself by even saying no to the little scope of socializing when everyone was back from diving in the night too… usually after a long day of solitude, I tend to want to be silent…but around people. #ambivertproblems.

On our last day there, however, the itch in the air was quite irresistible. After all the next day I wouldn’t be on an island with my best friend any longer, neither would there be 4 sweet doggies with happy tails swimming with me, nor would there be still ocean peace for a while. So off we went, seemingly with purpose but not realizing how magic has a way of sneaking into these scenarios.

Hours of light-headed conversation later, we ventured onto what had become my haven in the past three days, taking it all in for the last time in a few months/years at least. Not sure if it was all that stargazing, watching the moonlight bounce off the water or laughing giddily as we tried to find constellations in the night sky but we were  soon after peeling off layers to walk cautiously run into the mysterious water that lay in front of us. For the rest of them it came naturally, for me it was neither new but neither comfortable.

” You’re with a rescue diver, me and another great diver….this is the safest you can be” she said and I clutched onto her tiny wrist, nervously muttering all the wrong things one can think of. Thanks Vodka! :/ When I said ” Spirit lead me” earlier that day , I swear I did not mean that kind of spirit…be careful what you wish for right?

Still nervous but secretly so darn proud of my self, I continued being lead into the unknown, watching my favorite galaxy above for the comfort it always gives me, holding on to the brave spirit some people believed I have…until this happened.

“Look DOWN!!!”

I didn’t want to…these divers were crazy, the last thing I wanted was to see the fin of a happily swimming shark dangerously close to my unmanicured toes or even my shiny whimsical mermaid bikini. But I looked.

Tiny lights appeared where we walked or moved our hands. I couldn’t believe that all of that fear and doubt had led me to one of the phenomenons I had been chasing after for so long. The stars were dancing above me, around me and in my eyes all at once! I squealed out loud, stressing out the bioluminescence as we waded through it. And in that moment, we were blown away.

I for one, will always be blown away when I think of that moment. Perhaps I will see bigger, better and more wondrous such things that the world has to offer, perhaps  I will at some point be much more comfortable in the water, much quieter and much more experienced but to me that moment was everything it needed to be. If it wasn’t for the chaos, I would never have realised the beauty of the calm, if it wasn’t for the darkness I would have never seen the dancing lights around me, if it wasn’t for the fear, I would have never felt the courage I felt. If it wasn’t for the company, I would have never ventured in. If it wasn’t for the pain that led up to this, I would have never known what it felt to be liberated from it.

I’ve stopped chasing magic because it only really came to me when I walked in to it. Maybe for now I can happily go back to creating it but I will never forget the day I walked into the night seas in a mermaid bikini, chubiness and all, not looking for magic but actually just wading right into it!

Posts That Never Make It Here

28 Sep

Yesterday, I meant to write a post titled ” Let me never forget how I felt today”. A post filled with that overwhelming hope that was planted in me as I slept through days of endless pain and frustration. A post that would remind me that I could feel joy amidst a tall tower of bad news because I had successfully done that already. Yesterday. A post that never made it here because I let it go into the trash can of my subconscious mind!

Yesterday I wanted to tell this little virtual world of mine that despite hearing that my friends parents were battling life in hospitals I was too far from, I had hope. I had peace even though I felt the pain of a dear friends dog dying. I didn’t feel heartless, the loss was a loss I felt like I shared, the pain was mine too, yet I had strength and peace on my side. Instead of worrying constantly and fearing the worst about my own Daddy’s spiraling downward health, I was fearless and full of faith. Instead of wanting to fix and heal everyone around, I felt led to surrender and trust. And joy, that joy that filled me, although surprising, felt like an answer to a prayer I had no will to make!

Yesterday, I walked around confident, like I had the sun shining out of my bottom! I was that annoying happy woman that seemed to have it all together, when in fact, it was actually so far from being “together”.  Age is not just a number, sickness is very real, death inevitable and pain WILL HIT YOU STRONGLY. And it hit me, repeatedly. One after the other. Situations I couldn’t and cannot control but want to control so badly! And that is why I never want to forget how I felt yesterday.

To be so filled with sadness and helplessness but readjusting your faith levels seems like the most tiresome task. Yet it demanded nothing from me. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS, REALLY! Yesterday reminded me that someone somewhere was praying for me to feel such peace( I’m sure it was my mother!) And that prayer has the power to lend someone exactly what they need- HOPE.

So here’s my promise, I promise to pray as soon as my heart is filled with pain, or love or worry or whatever it is that is tugging at it. I promise to be there, at least in spirit and stand strong when you feel weak, somebody did it for me and it felt great – I want that for you too. Call me an idealist or a dreamer, but wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all just really really love each other as much as we love ourselves?

 

 

You Keep Loving

11 Jul

You keep loving them. Not because you are a pushover, not because you are walking around with a ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude, you keep loving because that’s how you are wired. You have no choice, you are miserable when you try and throw back to them when they throw things at you. So just keep loving, you beautiful heart.

You are not what people say you are, you are a reflection of the most flawless thing on earth and that is LOVE. You are not the lies they tell you about yourself, that is a mere reflection of what lies in the hearts, it does NOT define you!

Show them love when they least deserve it, love transforms. It may not seem like it, it may seem like the most pointless, hopeless situation, but it’s not. Love is patient! Love endures!

Don’t beat yourself up when your pent up feelings explode. Yeah, it’s not okay to cut someone else down when you’re in pain but its human. If you feel miserable about it, you are sorry! And it’s okay. That does not make you the person people may see you as. You are a lover, and a fighter, both!

You are not your past mistakes, you are the future full of lessons learnt, a beautiful product of all the times you’ve fallen and picked yourself up. You have NEVER been alone, not for one moment. You are strength and beauty, and your character is building up from all the times life has taught you humility.

Yes, you will fail again, you will be disappointed and hurt but there is NOTHING you cannot bounce back from. You are royalty, your heritage is beyond anything you can imagine. You will be okay, always! That is a promise.

You are loved greatly and so you will keep loving. No amount of betrayal can make you stop loving, so you keep loving, soldier! Keep fighting for love. Be the best version of yourself. Be the light when people can’t see it. Be the warmth when hearts have turned icy. Be the strength when they are weak. Be kindness when they are cruel. Be forgiveness when no one deserves it. Shock them with love, shatter all their disbelief, be true, be humble, be YOU because no one else can play your part.

You keep loving!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where Did All The Magic Go?

7 Jul

This morning I woke up at 4:10 am, feeling heavy (not from the unusual amount of rice the previous day). I wasn’t sure why  I felt that  way, because I wasn’t unhappy about anything. At about 6:30 am, there were some massive waterworks, sobbing, sniffling and all and I found myself saying out loud, “My life isn’t magical anymore!!”.

No, I hadn’t been in one of my ‘those were the days’ moods, neither was I PMS’ing, I couldn’t seem to figure out just where this outburst stemmed from! Eitherway it troubled me and I need a solid hour of over thinking to find the root.

Now I can very well blame the people around me for not sprinkling fairydust or whatever it was that my irrational mind was lacking at the time or I could really dig deep. So I chose the latter.  Where did that magical feeling that danced around me all my life suddenly go? And how did I miss that happening?

Now, if you know me for a long time and really well (which you probably don’t) then you’d know that I have stories to tell. Very deep, sometimes dark, sometimes fairytale-like stories that make my eyes twinkle and words just flow out of my hands or mouth. Stories made up of life as I feel it, exaggerated sometimes, understated sometimes, but always…always magical. That was my magic. It made strangers want to tell me their deepest secrets, friends want to confide in me, and children want to imagine with me. I loved playing those roles and fit into them quite easily. And as I began to talk more and write less, it made me more friends. That ability to weave words into magic and tell it.

But it had to end. I began to get annoyed with my own voice re-telling tales of heartache, shock, joy and miracles. I began to stop seeing magic in the ‘mundane’. And for the longest time I kept doing it like as a habit. I would talk about peoples lives, induce awe and shock but not feel it myself. It was my drug, I shamelessly lived off the feeling that I could engage people that way. Which is why, I didn’t realize when the magic left.

I forgot the innocence in really wanting to listen to someone, replaced it with “I must listen because he/she needs me to and has no one else” or ” wow, I must listen, every word is a word in a new story and I’d love to feel what he/she is feeling right now”. I lost the wonder of loving people for their individuality and replaced it with mere “acceptance of individuality”.  Are you getting my drift? Not saying  I was hurtful or wrong, because the only person who lost out on anything, was me.

I realized then as I finally got out of bed to get ready, that all those years I felt magical, I had created it. I chose to see the silver lining and chose to let it sparkle that much brighter than it actually was. True, my life did have some big miracles and blessings and they still grace me as God wishes, but back then I chose to really bask in them, feel them as much as I could and write them down in a memory. That is why I haven’t forgotten so many stories, that’s why I can re-tell them without strain.

I’m sorry for the times I let life slip me by recently, for how much I let my situations get the better of me. I’m sorry for letting the weight of life’s worries actually flatten me out instead of just really loving my life and everyone in it, instead of realizing how precious time and moments are like I used to so naturally once.

A turtle-shaped rain cloud slowly glided across the sky moments ago=) Making cloud shapes can never get too old I believe. And just like that, I found my magic again. I love the little ways God puts to rest my heavy mind, how He calms my stirred up spirit and how He pleases my searching soul. You’d think an adult woman lying in bed wishing for the magical life she once had would be insignificant. It’s reassuring to know just how significant it is to somebody.

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Here’s to that girl.

22 Jan

Here’s to that girl that has trouble speaking her heart.

Here’s to that girl who wants to make sure she can brighten everyday for  you.

Here’s to that girl who’s eyes drip at the slightest hint of pain but who’s heart holds on steadily in faith.

Here’s to that girl who speaks to God about you.

Here’s to that girl who’s heart melts when she watches any form of love mainifest.

Here’s to that girl to whom giving comes naturally.

Here’s to that girl who forgets the bad stuff easily and cherishes the good things.

Here’s to that girl who can’t wait to be a wife,  a mother and grandmother.

Here’s to that girl who takes everyone seriously.

Here’s to that girl who believes in people.

Here’s to that girl that chooses love over everything else.

Here’s to that girl who is constantly trying to be a better version of herself.

Here’s to that girl who loves her family and is grateful for them everyday.

Here’s to that girl who is romantic and childlike.

Here’s to that girl who’s head plays a new story everyday.

Here’s to that girl who was born to be a lover.

Here’s to that girl who is a loyal friend to all.

Here’s to that girl who is in awe of her Creator.

Here’s to that girl who’s spirit lights up outdoors.

Here’s to that girl who gets lost when she looks up at the skies.

Here’s to that girl that can create art out of waste.

Here’s to that girl who will stand by you.

Here’s to that girl who’s love language is kindness.

Here’s to that girl that loves to experiment.

Here’s to that girl who wants to learn something new everyday.

Here’s to that girl that prays secretly all the time.

Here’s to that girl who has so many things she wants to do but ends up leaving them as good thoughts.

Here’s to that girl who realizes when she’s wrong and feels terrible about it.

Here’s to that girl who can’t say no to a child or an animal.

Here’s to that girl who is an introvert but will push past her comfort zone because she loves you.

Here’s to that girl who always hopes, loves, believes and trusts, even in seemingly hopeless situations.

Here’s to that girl who tends to forget about her needs more often than not.

Here’s to that girl that I know and love.

That’s why I’m honoring her today.

Here’s to that girl, because she is fearfully and wonderfully made in Her Father’s image. ❤

 

 

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