That one time in Havelock Island where I allowed a rescue diver, my best friend, a pleasant stranger and that last drop of vodka on the island to lead me into deep, dark waters…
After 3 whole days of
burning laying on a gorgeous beach, with only corals, fallen leaves , blue water and a whole lot of wonder for company, you’d think I was either a deep soul contemplating all the darkness that was or a hazy figment of somebody’s intoxicated imagination. In truth, I was just there- healing.
At some moments I couldn’t believe what I was staring into or the craziness of the year that had gone by and at others that turquoise of the ocean hit me so hard I couldn’t help seeing how real and flawed I was. It was so much in so little time that even when I tried to write or cry or sing, the words never did justice. So I let it be.
I pushed away any criticism of how I expected to be writing non-stop, venting non-stop and healing on purpose. I just stayed, sat, smiled and hooped with uninhibited enthusiasm and it was perfect! I surprised myself by even saying no to the little scope of socializing when everyone was back from diving in the night too… usually after a long day of solitude, I tend to want to be silent…but around people. #ambivertproblems.
On our last day there, however, the itch in the air was quite irresistible. After all the next day I wouldn’t be on an island with my best friend any longer, neither would there be 4 sweet doggies with happy tails swimming with me, nor would there be still ocean peace for a while. So off we went, seemingly with purpose but not realizing how magic has a way of sneaking into these scenarios.
Hours of light-headed conversation later, we ventured onto what had become my haven in the past three days, taking it all in for the last time in a few months/years at least. Not sure if it was all that stargazing, watching the moonlight bounce off the water or laughing giddily as we tried to find constellations in the night sky but we were soon after peeling off layers to
walk cautiously run into the mysterious water that lay in front of us. For the rest of them it came naturally, for me it was neither new but neither comfortable.
” You’re with a rescue diver, me and another great diver….this is the safest you can be” she said and I clutched onto her tiny wrist, nervously muttering all the wrong things one can think of. Thanks Vodka! When I said ” Spirit lead me” earlier that day , I swear I did not mean that kind of spirit…be careful what you wish for right?
Still nervous but secretly so darn proud of my self, I continued being lead into the unknown, watching my favorite galaxy above for the comfort it always gives me, holding on to the brave spirit some people believed I have…until this happened.
I didn’t want to…these divers were crazy, the last thing I wanted was to see the fin of a happily swimming shark dangerously close to my unmanicured toes or even my shiny whimsical mermaid bikini. But I looked.
Tiny lights appeared where we walked or moved our hands. I couldn’t believe that all of that fear and doubt had led me to one of the phenomenons I had been chasing after for so long. The stars were dancing above me, around me and in my eyes all at once! I squealed out loud, stressing out the bioluminescence as we waded through it. And in that moment, we were blown away.
I for one, will always be blown away when I think of that moment. Perhaps I will see bigger, better and more wondrous such things that the world has to offer, perhaps I will at some point be much more comfortable in the water, much quieter and much more experienced but to me that moment was everything it needed to be. If it wasn’t for the chaos, I would never have realised the beauty of the calm, if it wasn’t for the darkness I would have never seen the dancing lights around me, if it wasn’t for the fear, I would have never felt the courage I felt. If it wasn’t for the company, I would have never ventured in. If it wasn’t for the pain that led up to this, I would have never known what it felt to be liberated from it.
I’ve stopped chasing magic because it only really came to me when I walked in to it. Maybe for now I can happily go back to creating it but I will never forget the day I walked into the night seas in a mermaid bikini, chubiness and all, not looking for magic but actually just wading right into it!